- George Washington – First in War, First in Peace and First in the hearts of his countrymen. And first chronologically.
2. John Adams – Adams has 2 syllables in it.
3. Thomas Jefferson – Jefferson has 3 syllables in it – and on his tombstone, he wanted to be remembered for three things – “(1)Author of the Declaration of Independence [and] (2)of the Statute of Virginia for religious freedom & (3) Father of the University of Virginia.”
4. James Madison – “Father of the Constitution” has four words in it, and Madison is before Monroe in alphabetical order. Madison, our shortest president, was 4 inches over 5 feet. He also had a wife named Dolly.
5. James Monroe- Monroe comes after Madison in alphabetical order. 4 of the first 5 presidents come from Virginia and are part of the “Virginia Dynasty”.
6. John Quincy Adams – “Before Bush and Gore, there was the election of 1824″ , since no candidate got 50% or more of the electoral vote, congress chose John Quincy Adams over Andrew Jackson, even though Andrew Jackson had more votes. This is because Jackson was a Washington Outsider who did not read books (except the Bible) and was very non-intellectual. Jackson was a populist.
7. Andrew Jackson – Wins by a landslide twice. Seven is a lucky number and Jackson had a bullet lodged in his chest and his shoulder because of duels he was in. He never had the bullet in his chest removed because he would have bled to death.
8. Martin Van Buren – Jackson’s campaign manager. His body is revered by the skull and crossbones elite private club at Yale University. They have an 8 finger handshake that was made famous in an episode of Seinfeld.
9. William Harrison – Cats have 9 lives but Harrison only had 2 months as president. He forgot to wear his coat during his outdoor winter inauguration speech, and caught his death.
10. John Tyler – Our most biologically successful president. He had 15 children. Two of his grandchildren are still alive in 2018.
11. James Polk – Polk fulfilled our manifest destiny by extending the United States from 1 Atlantic Ocean to 1 Pacific Ocean (1 to 1, 11). His nickname is “Young Hickory” in contrast to Andrew Jackson whose nickname was “Old Hickory”. He died months after his one term presidency (over-work), so he is forever young.
12. Zackary Taylor – Died of eating snacks at the celebration of the finishing of the Washington Monument. I remember him because his VP was Millard Fillmore, our unlucky 13th president. You can still buy Taylor snacks at Target.
13. Millard Fillmore. One of my favorite presidents because he is so forgettable. 13,14, and 15 are all considered some of our worse presidents of all time. He is unlucky #13.
14. Franklin Pierce – He pierced his liver with alcohol and this is what killed him. He drank the most in the White House. He was also friends with Nathaniel Hawthorne, who wrote the Scarlet Letter and The House of Seven Gables, who wrote a political biography of him,
15. James Buchanan – He is considered one of worse presidents because he brought our nation to the brink of Civil War.
16. Abraham Lincoln – President during the Civil War – a war that was like a chess game. There are 16 pawns in the game of Chess.
17. Andrew Johnson – Lincoln’s VP when Lincoln was assassinated. He was the opposite of Lincoln however. Lincoln was arguably our best president, and Johnson our worst. Johnson is very racist. He also shares the same first name as #7.
18. US Grant – 18 is when you are a man, and Grant was manly. He struggled with alcoholism (binge drinking) all his life, but it was smoking cigars that killed him. Even though he was an alcoholic, he managed to win the Civil War as the North’s great General, and bring the nation back together again, as a great President.
19. Rutherford Hayes. After a manly president – we had a president with a feminine first name – Ruth.
20. James Garfield. He was shot by a mad man but lingered more than 20 days before he died. Our only president with the name of a famous cat.
21. Chester A Arthur. If our presidents were kings, our 21st president would be King Arthur.
22. Grover Cleveland – Our 22nd president was president for two terms at 2 different times.
23. Benjamin Harrison – Grandson of William Harrison and sandwiched by the 2 Cleveland terms.
24. Grover Cleveland – 2 four year terms.
25. William McKinley – A mountainous president who got us into the 20th century. There are 25 presidents before 1900.
26. Theodore Roosevelt – Roosevelt was born on 20th street in NY City and had six children. He was born and raised in NY City just like #45. The Teddy Bear is named after him because he refused to shoot a bear in a cage.
27. William Taft – Our biggest president who weighed over 270 pounds. He got stuck in the White House bathtub, so he got it replaced with a huge one.
28. Woodrow Wilson – Wilson was born on December 28th, 1856. He gets less presents because his birthday is so close to Christmas. He was president during WWI.
29. Warren Harding – It was “Hard” for him to be chosen by his party. He started winning on the 9th ballot in a smoke filled room in the 20s.
30. Calvin Coolidge – Coolidge’s laissez faire policies may have led to the economic conditions that prevailed in the 30s.
31. Herbert Hoover – Baskin Robbins has 31 favors but no Hoover Vacuum Cleaner favor. That would be yucky.
32. Franklin Roosevelt – No month has 32 days – but Roosevelt was elected to 4 terms in office – spanning the Great Depression and WWII. President for the longest time.
33. Harry Truman – 3 is a lucky number, 33 must be luckier! Three providential things happened during his presidency – Israel became a nation, World War II came to an end, and the US Military became integrated.
34. Dwight D Eisenhower – Ike had 3 names (Dwight,David,Eisenhower) and his last name has four syllables.
35. John F. Kennedy – There have been 10 presidents during my lifetime. Like 25, Kennedy was a mountainous president who got assassinated.
36. Lyndon B Johnson – took over in 63 (November 22, 1963). Invert 63 to get 36.
37. Richard Nixon – Resigned before congress could impeach him (17 and 42 were impeached but not convicted, Nixon would have been convicted).
38. Gerald Ford – two assassination attempts on the same trip to California. Both were attempted by women who were bad shots who were using a 38 Smith and Wesson, and a 45 Colt Automatic. They were pissed because Ford pardoned Nixon.
39. Jimmy Carter – Always 39 – he has the longest and most distinguished post-presidency of all our presidents. He was a very good man, but not that great a president.
40. Ronald Reagan – a movie star in the 1940s.
41.George HW Bush – His son 43 (also George) wrote an article about his father named 41
42. Bill Clinton – 42 is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and Bill Clinton was also one of the main influences and role models for Zaphod Beetlebrocks when he became President of the Universe.
43 George W Bush – 21 also had an initial for a middle name (Chester A Arthur) 43-21.
44. Barack Obama – He was elected in 2000+4+4. 4 is the smallest composite number and Obama is our first racially composite president – uniting all races together as Americans.
45 Donald Trump – 45s are small vinyl record and Trump has small hands.
To the Moon 